The Truth about Goats
Diplomats from Russia and Britain breathed a collective sigh of relief as Boris Johnson flatly refused to visit Moscow, saying that he was perfectly ‘capable’ of insulting them from 2000 miles away. Not since the Cuban Missile Crisis has a Russia come this close to unleashing mutually assured destruction – or as Boris calls it ‘Brexit’.
Many feared that the Foreign Secretary’s unique brand of statecraft, inspired by Prince Philip, Mel Gibson and an excess of gin, would cause diplomat fallout – shortly followed by nuclear fallout. In fact, Mr. Johnson had every intention of entering Moscow on board a bus – with a sign proclaiming £350m for the NHS in exchange for every ‘Russian scalp’.
Mr. Johnson is said to be disappointed that he was unable to use his amusing anecdote about the Crimean War or his puppet show involving Catherine the Great and Muffin the Mule. Likewise, the UK’s Foreign Office has described his withdrawal as a snub to Mr. Putin, although friends of the President have characterized it as not dissimilar to getting the ‘all clear from syphilis’.
If endorsing chemical attacks in Syria is the price of avoiding Mr. Johnson, Russia may well cover the entire region in teargas and copies of Private Eye. Yet while the threat of a ‘Boris visit’ is still palpable, diplomats believe Theresa May is unwilling to use this weapon of mass destruction; particularly while she still has conventional weapons she can launch – like naked photographs of Liam Fox.