The Truth about Goats
Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson clarified his stance on allowing non-wizards into the House of Commons, accusing the Labour party leader of being a muggle-born pacifist. A man of many words – mostly ‘huzzah’ – Mr. Johnson was quick to point out that this was in no way an insult to any ‘drunken’ Hillsborough victims, ‘flag-waving piccaninnies’ or any swing voters with ‘watermelon smiles’.
Initially the Foreign Secretary apologized for likening Jeremy Corbyn to a ‘Mugwump’, explaining that he had no intention of besmirching the good name of obscure 19th century American politicians. Instead, he promised to correct the oversight with a battle-bus adorned with the slogan ‘Corbyn’s a dirty mudblood’.
No stranger himself to insulting literary allusions, Mr. Johnson has been likened to the love-child of the ‘Midwich Cuckoos’ and the ‘bride of Chucky’. Although, Mr. Johnson claims that he has never visited the ‘Village of the Damned’ – or as real estate agents refer to it – ‘Chipping Norton’.
A Downing Street spokeswoman defended his words: ‘Can I clarify, Boris did not mean Muggle – he meant to say ‘Mogwai’ – which as we all know is a loveable fur-ball. We are not scare-mongering about Jeremy Corbyn. Just don’t get him wet and NEVER feed him after midnight’.