The Truth about Goats
After rejecting the use of TV debates during the General Election, the Prime Minister has ruled out using the British public as a means of deciding anything. Recent democratic hiccups such as Brexit, Magna Carta and Steve Brookstein have proven that the average voter is decidedly ‘average’.
Mrs May felt that the electorate have become too arbitrary and capricious to be trusted with anything more important than choosing a holiday destination or a new brand detergent. Instead a series of Oracles will be consulted; including Katie Hopkins, some chicken entrails and a German octopus, called ‘Chlodwig’.
There are further plans (post-election) to not use any actual MPs, as Tory backbenchers have proven as unreliable as a North Korean missile test. Theresa May is said to favour the use of a ‘gang of weasels’, as they will instinctively have more integrity and are likely to tow the party line on austerity and fox hunting.
This does leave 50 million voters with nothing to do on June 8th other than expressing their democratic opinion in the only way they know – by hurling faeces and gibbering like a baboon. Their only hope is that a humming stone monolith tells them what to do – but they should be careful to avoid anything resembling an ‘Ed Stone’