The Truth about Goats
According to Judge Ian Pringle QC working towards a medical degree will now exempt you from prison but, he warned, those on the other end of the ‘talent’ spectrum should expect ritual dunking, conflagration within a wicker man or ‘life-imprisonment’ working on the tills at Sainsbury.
He went on to explain, that rather than sentence the hopeless to a future of mediocrity, it was far more humane to pack them off to prison – where at least their sociology degree ‘would be of use’. While many assumed Oxford graduates were already beyond the reach of law, regional accents and income tax; Judge Pringle has confirmed that under-graduates can expect a ‘get out jail free card’ to go with their Monopoly–themed ‘silver-spoon token’.
The Criminal Bar Association hinted that the Judge overstepped the mark, although colleagues say Mr. Pringle was unimpressed by the opinions of any lawyer ‘who only got a Desmond from a Poly’.
Meanwhile Lavinia Woodward, who stabbed her ex-boyfriend, said she now looked forward to putting her blade skills to good use in her future surgical career – alongside Doctor Jim Bowie. Witnesses say they heard Judge saying, as he put on his black cap: ‘A combined degree in Dance and Golf management? Their life is already wasted. I’m doing them a favour’.