The Truth about Goats
Covert recordings, taken at Emmanuel Macron’s post-election rally, reveal thousands of revellers may have been faking their French chants of support. On the tape, President Macron’s voice clearly drops several octaves – taking on a Ray Winstone-like quality – and is audibly heard telling the crowd: ‘…relax, the cameras are gone. Drop the phoney accent. Let’s all tuck into a nice tub of jellied eels’.
This has sent shock waves around Europe, but possibly explains why Mr Macron’s victory speech had been a mash up of ‘Lady Marmalade’ and Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Lost In France’. Unbeknownst to many, even Mimes having been pulling on imaginary non-French ropes for years and their silent yells when trapped in an invisible box, have always been in English.
Some blame the influx of the Hollywood Americanisms, but most confess that it is mainly down to the prevalence of English-speaking porn. Confessed one Gaelic fraud: ‘To be honest, I haven’t spoken French in years. I’ve just been making noises like ‘pfff’ and ‘bahhh’, while shrugging a lot’.
Ironically, as Jean-Claude Junker resolutely uses French in his Brexit negotiations, it transpires that most of his own diplomats will only be pretending to understand, while tutting and hiding behind the wine menu. Others spoke of their relief: ‘It will be wonderful to quit this charade – in fact, what is the English for ‘charade’? Ah, yes – ‘Tory Manifesto’.