The Truth about Goats
Despite years of abuse, most voters look set to ask Theresa May for five more years of bondage and tax avoidance – making the Tory manifesto feel more like ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. The PM has promised to continue her leather-clad reign, but will not be repeating David Cameron’s mistake of offering a safe-word – or ‘Brexit’ as he called it.
‘Stockholm Syndrome’ leads to strong emotional ties that develop between the harasser and the victim – which explains James Corden’s popularity. Famous victims of the syndrome include Patty Hearst, Nick Clegg and Rod Hull’s ‘Emu’.
Recovering from the syndrome ordinarily involves psychiatric care, but thanks to NHS under-funding, victims are advised to a phone a new support-line called ‘Man the f$ck up’. Regressive therapy can help to reinstate normalcy, but only be focusing on a happier time – before Boris Johnson, £1.73 trillion of debt and the nagging fear of ‘What is Michael Gove up to now?’.
Patterns of behaviour include an attachment to austerity and schadenfreude. With voters emerging from the polling booth, with same bleary-eyed acceptance of someone with a return ticket to ‘Josef Fritzl’s Dungeon of Fun’ or with a season ticket on Southern Rail.