The Truth about Goats
Waving to a handpicked crowd, with snipers aimed at them, the newly elected Prime Minister renewed her message of hope; hope that Brexit was a cheese-dream, hope that her husband still has his offshore account and hope that the ensuing zombie apocalypse stays north of the Watford Gap. A spokeswoman explained: ‘Imagine the worst thing ever. Got it? Good. Now imagine it also involves Boris Johnson’.
UK voters braced themselves for another period of ‘austerity fisting’, this time without the benefits of a safe word, like Nick Clegg. This follows a collection of eye-catching polices; such as fracking NHS carparks, burning foxes for winter fuel and a year of ‘unpaid leave’ for citizens wanting to fulfil their dream of being unemployed.
Controversial measures like the ‘Dementia Tax’ will be put on hold, but Mrs May will maintain her commitment to ‘demented revenue streams’ like 17% Corporation Tax. There will be no ‘free lunches’ but plenty of gravy trains – just running a reduced service on Southern. Plus, a million more disabled people ‘will get into work’ by being classified as their own carers.
Standing beneath a banner ‘SNAFU’, Mrs May welcomed the opportunity for further ‘clusterf$cks’ by promising Saudi sponsored Grammar Schools and a special relationship with President Trump that would make ‘a whore blush’. Mrs May then confidently kicked a black cat under the nearest ladder, summoned Cthulhu and opened the door to No.10 – the portal to No.2.