The Truth about Goats
Scientists in the reproductive physiology department at the San Diego Zoo have discovered, through the use of thermal imagining, a general predilection for ‘black and white back-door action’ in the panda fraternity. Cameras have regularly picked up a bright red sausage-shape, indicating an increased blood flow in the general vicinity of the ‘panda poop-chute’.
This new data has provided an insight into the lack of panda cubs and the shortage of bamboo-flavoured lube. Some vets had assumed that pandas have delayed conception until they have a deposit on a house in a ‘nice catchment area’, or were simply too young to settle down; but it transpires they were just ‘crazy for the dance of the chocolate cha-cha’.
In 2010, there were approximately 1600 pandas left in the wild – but nobody realised quite how ‘wild’ they really were. One zoo took six months to discover that all their rutting pandas were in fact male; even then, they were only alerted by the incessant dance music, discarded ‘poppers’ in the foliage and the fact that they had been having a ‘whale of a time’
Statistically the female panda is in heat only once a year for 12 to 25 days – and even less if all that is on offer is the ‘rusty trombone’. Weening ‘black eye off the brown eye’ may prove difficult, as one panda remarked: ‘If Donald Trump is allowed to do it to the electorate all the time, why can’t we?’