The Truth about Goats
Despite a clear warning on the invitation – ‘no children’ – extremist relatives have chosen to unleash a full-throated baby on an innocent wedding ceremony; upsetting at least one innocent bridesmaid, a ‘tasteful’ flower arrangement and one moderate vicar. Emergency services responded to the noise of the child ‘going off, on one’, but were too late to prevent a tearful bride and a tense group photograph.
Brave members on the congregation had attempted earlier to disarm the distempered infant, with glove puppets, balloon animals and an obligatory session of ‘peek-a-boo’ – but all were soon covered with vomit shrapnel. Those caught in the blast of the ensuing tantrum, attest to hearing the child let out a scream of religious fervour – or ‘it may have been a really big burp’.
Friends claim to have sent a prior warning to the police, including an account of a ‘rumbling in the nappy region’, suggesting this might be a dirty bomb. Likewise apologists claim that this is just an age-appropriate outburst in a public space, although Jeremy Corbyn refused to endorse smacking the child ‘with a shovel’.
Meanwhile Theresa May is under pressure to explain why baby-sitters had been cut back during her time as Home Secretary and she why she encouraged a Saudi Arabian guest to continually flick the baby in the back of the head. Said one spectator, covered in soot and blood: ‘What kind of monster brings a baby to a wedding?’