The Truth about Goats
While two-fifths of primary pupils have failed their curriculum exams, three-fifths passed because their canny parents used an android-surrogate. Originally, robot ethicists had been concerned that these robots would be exploited sexually, but most parents have used them to pass difficult childhood tests; such as eating vegetables, tidying their room or making sense of Peppa Pig.
The fear is, now that adults have a taste for academically gifted offspring, they will not want to return to human children who eat crayons, burp the alphabet or think fidget-spinners are the same as exercise. Teachers are also complimentary about their android pupils, saying that they are attentive, polite and more importantly ‘don’t smell of wee’.
Top manufacturer ‘No Nits, Just Bytes’ is keen to emphasize the benefits of a robot child over a real one: ‘You’ll still get all the best parking spaces but without the constant comfort breaks. And at night time – unlike the yappy live version – these ones come with an off button, marked STFU’.
This trend could lead to grade inflation and children being discarded like redundant copies of Windows Vista or Tory Fire Regulations. One Roboticist remarked: ‘As a parent you cannot feel tenderness or form an emotional bond with a love droid. But that same is true of any child that fails its SATs. No one likes a loser.’