The Truth about Goats
Gemma Effiong, 17, has finally confessed to having never looked at the Jane Austen-themed tenner and has been relying on Sparknotes for all her currency questions. When quizzed by her English teacher, Gemma guessed that the value of the new plastic note was somewhere between £4.72 and 500 Euros; asking ‘Is the answer Miss Havisham?’.
Like many students, Gemma had hoped to find exemplar coins in her purse or, better still, an old tenner which someone had scribbled crib notes all over. Frustratingly when faced with a Tesco checkout, under timed conditions, Gemma babbled something about ‘the juxtaposition of themes’ in ‘Of Mice and Men’, then asked to be excused for a toilet break and extended weeping session.
Many students are starting to regret going to Glastonbury rather than studying up on Keynesian economics and its relationship to Colin Firth’s nipples. Confessed one student: ‘I’d been hoping for a 30 point question on An Inspector Calls or at least a £5 with Mr Bean on it.’
The Bank of England plans to unveil further products that undergraduates have not read, including their tenancy agreement, the proof on a bottle of Absinthe or instructions on how to dry hemp. This leaves Gemma in the unenviable position of retaking basic currency conversion, starting with the groat: ‘I’m just not interested in old, dead women. It’s my own foolish pride and…and…what’s the other word for bigotry?’