The Truth about Goats
With some volunteers uncomfortable supporting LGBTQ rights, The National Trust has decided instead to memorialize smutty beachside postcards, grey socks and unimaginative sexual positions. The ‘Heterosexual Shame Weekend’ will see a march of boring copulators accompanied by bland music, conformist haircuts and an overwhelming sense of ennui.
Standing under a statue of the missionary position, one National Trust volunteer explained: ‘Instead of marking the 50th anniversary of homosexuality being decriminalised, we’ve decided to celebrate the 2,000th year of falling asleep during sex. We’ve also got a virtual reality display of heterosexuality – featuring the remains of Mary Whitehouse, a tartan thermos flask and a drunken Mel Gibson’.
Complaining about LGBTQ campaigns, Tory MP Andrew Bridgen said this is virtue signalling ‘gone mad’; while Ukip MEP Gerard Batten said this is politically correct nonsense ‘gone mad’; yet elderly lesbian Janet Wilsby described both men as uptight heterosexuals – with all the open mindedness of Robert Mugabe on Grindr – ‘gone bad’.
Volunteers at Felbrigg Hall in Norfolk have agreed to wear magnolia-coloured badges and help a sassy gay friend to stop watching RuPaul’s Drag Race. Instead, everyone will be lionizing the benefits of being ‘straight’; which include a phobia of glitter, reading Leviticus and a higher divorce rate.