The Truth about Goats
Although finishing his competitive career with a disappointing Silver, in the 5,000m, Mo Farah expressed his relief that he no longer needed to maintain the charade of liking meat-substitute fungus. Even Usain Bolt was forced to feign injury in his final race, to avoid the traditional winner’s celebratory nut cutlet banquet.
Sir Mo spoke of his frustration at having to feign an interest in a vegetarian diet, particularly as he accredited his speed to an uncontrollable blood-lust, where he would often visual an eviscerated cow on the finishing line. Before his endorsement of Quorn, Sir Mo had been well known on the athletics’ circuit for rubbing raw chicken on his face in victory and once eating an Olympic mascot with his bare teeth.
Not all participants shared Mo Farah’s love of flesh, with many appalled by the rumour that Sir Mo once ate Greg Rutherford’s liver with some fava beans and a nice Ribena. By contrast, Team GB’s 4×100 winners were in celebratory mood, declaring: ‘We f$cking love Tofu!’
This World Championship will culminate in the ceremonial lowering of the Olympic flag – made from genetically modified soy-based textured hydrolyzed protein. A spokeswoman explained: ‘Mo will no longer be promoting a dried fungus culture, mixed with egg albumen – which you will know as Athlete’s Foot’.