The Truth about Goats
Mysterious unmarked vans and lorries will be trialled throughout the UK, each carrying a robot capable of committing untraceable sex-crimes, while quoting from ‘Smokey & the Bandit’. Then with the familiar whiff of diesel and formaldehyde, the automated cyborg-driver will wrap body parts in tarpaulin and drop them in the local canal.
Street workers and homeless teenagers have spoken of their excitement at how the self-drive service will speed up their untimely and tragic demise. While ordinary drivers welcomed the opportunity to gesticulate at tailgating robot-killers, alongside the more unpalatable BMW drivers.
A Government spokesman tried to allay concerns of inevitable human redundancies: ‘There will still be jobs available for those interested in the indiscriminate killing of the vulnerable in society – for instance, we will still need Work Capability Assessors and cladding manufacturers.’
Generic police photo-fits will now resemble an Apple Mac, while forensic detectives will focus on tracing ‘killerbytes’. One robot commented: ‘I’ll be able imitate the cold, psychotic tone of Hannibal Lecter while delivering over-priced goods – a bit like Amazon Echo’.