The Truth about Goats
Asian websites have reported being flooded by pop-ups offering ‘no-strings attached’ casual sex from middle-aged singletons based in the Winchester area. Erotically posed in figure-hugging cardigans, these provocative images of retirees are cynically luring attractive Japanese models – who want nothing more than an evening of canasta, sherry and a ‘good seeing to’.
It is easy to understand the appeal of mature Western males, with their easy access to comfy slippers, an orderly shed and haemorrhoid cream. Complained one Chinese official: ‘Where is the parity? We send you our most nubile, willing, barely-legal citizens – and you send us Roy Hodgson. It’s like when we invented fireworks and all we got in the return was the plague, opium wars and a dubbed version of ‘On the Buses’.’
Sadly there are too many stories of young Asian girls being conned into sending their bank details to some hotty, claiming to have the raw magnetism of Eamonn Holmes, the sexual energy of John Craven and ‘wee aroma’ of Len Goodman. Yet a large number of Thai brides excitedly go to the airport hoping to get down and dirty with Alan Titchmarsh, only to be disappointed by a ‘Harry Styles look-alike’.
Ill-matched romances can lead to all kinds of problems, explained Gerald Nunns (61): ‘Initially it was all very exciting – with us playing Scrabble in every room of the house. At least two or three times a night, she would watch me get up for the bathroom. But in the end she just couldn’t keep up the heady pace of filling out cholesterol charts together. I’m afraid these young ladies just can’t handle the fervour of lawn bowls’.