The Truth about Goats
In light of recent killings, the National Rifle Association has been quick to highlight the perils of using a fully automated weapon; without appropriate strapping, access to a trained reflexologist or a ‘comfy pillow to rest your arms on’. The NRA proposes that machine guns be required to carry a sticker, warning of the muscle tear from shooting your hundredth passer-by and the ‘mild chaffing’ every time you reload.
An NRA spokeswoman said: ‘Spare a thought for those suffering from repetitive stress injuries, received while instigating a harmless massacre. We have reports from lone gunman, of fingers painfully locking in a trigger formation or neck strain from leaning out of a Texas Book Depository’.
Modern arsenals are significantly heavier than the muskets carried by the Minutemen, with many would-be assassins forced into early retirement by slipped discs, trying to lift rocket-launchers off the shelves of their local Wal-mart. Sadly the untold victims of ‘shooter’s elbow’ too often have their stories drowned out by insensitive bystanders, who keep blathering on about some gunshot wound they just received.
The spokeswoman illustrated the dilemma, by pointing to her standard issue M134 General Electric Minigun – her hand-gun of choice: ‘These require a lot of strength to carry and can only really be lightened by emptying all the bullets into a local High School. Remember, guns don’t kill people. But they can lead to injuries to muscle fiber or tendons. Ouchies!’