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Ted Heath to be next Tory leader

Despite being embroiled in an historical abuse scandal and ‘technically dead’, Edward Heath is now the frontrunner to replace beleaguered Theresa May.   One Minister commented: ‘Gropey Heath may have bodged elections and dragged us into the EU – but he never messed up a speech’.

Supporters say Mr. Heath has the gravitas and rigor mortis that other challengers’ lack; while also avoiding twelve years of party scandal, by focusing on decomposition. They also insist that being a classical organist was not a euphemism, although no one referenced his fondness for seamen.

Of course, this is not the first time that a Tory leadership challenge has been mounted by a corpse, as friends of Iain Duncan Smith will attest.  Yet one backbencher pointed out: ‘If we wanted to elect an out-of-touch, zombie-like, festering priss – we’d have picked Jacob Rees Mogg’.

Senior Tories say Mrs. May’s days are numbered, with many referencing the halcyon Conservative leadership of Michael Howard and Ivan the Terrible: ‘Ted was always cold and aloof, so I guess that won’t have changed with time. But we have more chance of re-animating a corpse, than we do resuscitating Theresa May’.


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This entry was posted on October 11, 2017 by in UK Politics and tagged , , , , , , , , .

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