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The Truth about Goats

All parents must pause ‘mid-bollocking’ to post to Instagram

Laws are being introduced to ensure that all graphic moments of domestic or parental chaos are uploaded; to allow for amusing comments, memes and in order to speed up access to an appropriate social worker.  If anything, parents will now be encouraged to let situations escalate in the hope of capturing the perfect selfie with the obligatory FML tag line, emoji grimace and empty bottle of gin.

Where previously a parent might have felt obliged to clear up peanut-butter smeared walls or a paint-soaked pet; the accepted wisdom is that you should reach for your iPhone and get snapping. You might even take a second to ‘gild that lily’ by sticking a tampon up the child’s nose, covering them in flour or pretending they cut their own hair with nail-clippers.

If you are hoping to capture a spontaneous moment, it is usually best to plan meticulously ahead – deliberately leaving make-up and utensils within easy reach of any offspring – possibly giving them an excess of sugar in advance. The important thing is to have image that proclaims your kooky attitude to parenting, while making it abundantly clear that you are the interesting one – not the child.

Rather than intercede every time your ‘little scamp’ sticks a fork in a plug socket or chokes on a vegetable – they ironically refused to chew – parents will be expected to quickly employ a face-filter, to really bring out that exotic shade of blue.  Explained one mother: ‘I noticed my toddler wandering off into traffic while clutching an over-sized ice-cream. Naturally my initial maternal instinct was to run into the road to save them. But then the savvy side of me said ‘Hang on a minute – this will make great blog material’.

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This entry was posted on October 26, 2017 by in UK Lifestyle and tagged , , , , , , , .

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