The Truth about Goats
Winning World Cups and the F1 Championship are all very well, but the UK does not look good smiling triumphantly – partly because of mediocre dentistry, but mainly due to ill-fitting Lycra and a deep-seated shame. Athletic jubilation is not a natural state for the British; whereas awkward and apologetic are national past-times, like institutional racism and unwanted referendums.
Rather than swagger with success, most Brits will start their week bowed by the anticipation of future failures; knowing, full well, that the next Tim Henman is just around the corner. In fact, many would prefer to be on the receiving end of a sporting drubbing, rather than wallow in fleeting happiness, like hippo with terminal cholesterol.
The basic law of UK sports, states: ‘E(mbarrassed) = M(anchester Utd) C(orden)²’. Squirmed one Brit: ‘Rather than pick up a bat and hit the ball – I’m more comfortable just beating myself with the bat, until I forget the shame of decades of colonial rule or that I was once asked to do a fist-bump. A confident, winning mind-set? It sounds so terribly gauche – so painfully American’.
Future UK competitors will be reminded that the only cup they should ever aspire to lift, has tea in it. The Minister for Sport explained: ‘It’s not about the winning, it’s about the cringing sense of self-loathing’.