The Truth about Goats
Pep Guardiola has admitted that this season’s success is down to a series of playground tactics including jumpers for goalposts, a 0-1-1-15 formation and, all importantly, having the keeper run around the outfield like a deranged spider.
‘Rush goalie’ is seen as somewhat controversial, as it ignores the traditional ‘stick goalie’ or ‘fat goalie’ tactic. Yet by insisting that games only be played across playtime and lunchtime, Mr. Guardiola maintains a high-tempo style – only stopping when the ball gets lodged on the school roof or stolen by the bigger boys.
As within primary school, the Manchester City manager retained ‘first pick’ privileges in the transfer market. Subsequently over the Summer Hols, or Close Season as the grown-ups call it, he has fashioned a team capable of double digit score-lines, which include kneeling down to head the ball over the line and goal celebrations that involve multiple laps of the playground.
All of the squad have contributed to the goals, including Raheem Sterling – despite him being, in the words of one irate 7 year old: ‘…a ‘****ing goal-hanger’. Mr. Guardiola is said to also be considering ‘Last Man Back’, with no one responsible and the goalmouth left glaringly open – otherwise known as ‘Brexit’.