The Truth about Goats
Up to two hours of surgery time could be saved per day by cutting out unnecessary luxuries, such as surgical scrubs, sharpened instruments and using an anaesthetic. A study by NHS Improvement concluded that if surgeons were less fussy about coughing into open wounds, then 280,000 more operations could occur – followed by a further 280,000 deaths, due to complications.
Using the abattoir model, patients could efficiently be operated on in rows, as they stoically hang from meat hooks. Likewise hospitals could save even more time, by treating every disorder as a routine appendectomy.
Explained one Minister: ‘It’s cheaper, are more efficient if when ‘going under the knife’, we simply used plastic cutlery. Finding room for those who need to stay on as in-patients, is resolved with bunk beds. And we can speed up the whole process by getting the patients to operate on themselves’.
Too often the NHS squanders efficiency by insisting that their medical staff are rested, qualified or sober. The time-management study revealed that operation times could be halved, if patients were referred to as ‘contestants’ and surgery is accompanied by the ‘Countdown’ clock.