The Truth about Goats
The social network has announced it intends to target under 13’s who have friends that are ‘as fictitious as Facebook’s own tax returns’. This lucrative market would allow a kid to keep online contact with a monster-under-the-bed or a ‘Bunbury’, while at the same time updating their own status from ‘single’ to ‘probably inappropriate for a child’.
Messenger Kids will require adult approval for any contacts, to allow parents the chance to filter out undesirables – such as Beliebers, children who still use the word ‘totes’ or Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore. Instead every child will be left with a sanitized, vetted and extensive list of people that they can interact with – sometimes upwards of two.
To offset these restrictions, underage Facebookers will be encouraged to extend their friendship group to all things imaginary; including the rabbit from Donnie Darko, Harvey Weinstein’s defense or an amicable Brexit. Yet primarily the focus will be on imaginary people with no agenda – or Lib Dem voters as they are known.
Meanwhile Jeremy Hunt has taken to Twitter to criticize Facebook for actively targeting younger children. A spokesman confirmed: ‘The Health secretary has never targeted the young, vulnerable or sick – and he’s not about to now’.