The Truth about Goats
While many aquatic lifeforms will be celebrating the UK’s ban on microbeads, those focused on rectal stimulation will be feeling the thick end of the wedge. Sadly in an attempt to save the whale, we may be forced to use improvised butt plugs such as a discarded hatchimal, Michael Gove or a Kinder Surprise – with added surprise.
For many, the tiny plastic particles had been an acceptable gateway sex device to gently expand our gateways. Explained one wincing clubber: ‘During the 90’s I had thousands of plastic microbeads shoved up my jacksie to no ill effect. But these regulation size beads are like golf balls and my arse now looks like the Grand Canyon!’
The general public only learnt of the true environmental impact of micobeads by watching ‘Blue Planet 2’ but fans of the sexual nature of the beads say the programme was not ‘Blue’ enough: ‘I’m told that pollution is choking our oceans but that could easily be rectified with an appropriate ‘safe word’. This legislation is narrowing our options, while enlarging our sphincters’.
A Government spokesman clarified: ‘Nobody wants to an arsehole stretched beyond their limits – that’s why Jeremy Hunt will be remaining as Health Secretary’.