The Truth about Goats
Scientists believe to have discovered the mummified, nannified and pickled remains of Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson – the last curse of the pharaohs and the Presidents’ Club. This has solved a decades-old mystery – who the f$ck is that moron in charge of the Foreign Office?
Meanwhile Boris’ ancestors have already been found entombed in Basel, unlike his brother, who has been buried alive in the Department of Transport. Unsurprisingly Boris’ foremother was well-fed, rich and had died from a series of knife wounds inflicted by Michael Gove.
By contrast, Boris was found in a preserved state, unchanged since the Bullingdon Club of the 80s. Scientists believe that Boris’ DNA could provide an insight into his family, although currently it is reading as 99.8% Foie Gras.
Ironically his great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother (Anna Bischoff) was originally buried under a collapsed bridge. Further to this, scientists were able to translate the markings on the side of her tomb as a pledge of 250,000 francs for the local leper colony.