The Truth about Goats
Scientist have confirmed that mispronouncing up to three cups of artisan coffee a day, has no noticeable impact on your health – but it will make you look like ‘a bit of a d$ck’. Likewise calling Quinoa ‘kee-NO-ah’ will not make you ill, yet could still result in a severe tutting.
Previously it was thought that a coffee faux pas could have serious repercussions for your prestige and house prices in the local area. Despite this, moderate hot beverage pretension is safe, but should only be done in the presence of a qualified barista or someone who ‘actually gives a sh$t’.
Explained one scientist: ‘We gave white rats cups of tea, but they only lived for 2-3 years. But when we gave a human coffee, their life expectancy reached 60-70 years. Coffee clearly has many important health qualities; but as a doctor I have to advise against ordering a grande, half-sweet, decaf, caramel macchiato with soy milk – as it sounds stupid’.
Coffee snobs will be pleased to know that serving a latte with insufficient froth still carries a custodial sentence in parts of the UK. Remarked one researcher: ‘People who spend an eternity ordering the perfect coffee don’t live longer. It just feel like that’.