The Truth about Goats
After years of aggressive marketing, stomachs throughout the land have opted to return to a more family-friendly image, which can accommodate a progressive pie-orientated lifestyle. Gone will be Guantanamo-themed ‘washboards’ and in will come a gentler stomach; often associated with jovial fatties, who force their way into your home, smelling of sherry – like Santa or Eamonn Holmes.
Explained one fitness guru: ‘Six-pack sounds too aggressive and comes with connotations of alcohol, police line-ups or multiples of Tupac Shakur. Rather than developing a bulging abdomen which resembles a hernia collection, stomachs will be encouraged to soften their image and their contours’.
‘We tried a few names out with focus groups, but ‘gut’ was too windy and a ‘paunch’ sounded like something that conceals a marsupials pouch or Boris Johnsons’ Johnson. Whereas, tummy says fun. Tummy says tickle me. Tummy says consensual.’
The hope is we are entering a more benign, less sexualized period of body labelling; where navels can once more become ‘belly buttons’, male genitals can return to being a less threatening ‘willy’ and we can stop using the ‘C-word’ and just go back to saying ‘Michael Gove’.