The Truth about Goats
Theresa May clearing dating a student Rumours are abound throughout Westminster, that the Prime Minister is ‘schtupping’ an undergraduate; as there can be no other conceivable reason for her suddenly caring about the plight of students. Her sudden epiphany about University debt, is suspiciously similar to the actions of a predatory cougar, who is unhappy with being wooed in student digs, on a diet of pot noodle.
Announcing an independent review of fees, Mrs May distanced herself from the suggestion that she had a vested interest in well-fed graduates, who have a predilection for leather trousers and kitten heels. Having previously been uninterested in higher education, she now seemed obsessed with Fresher’s fairs, House parties and hanging out with the debating society.
One student commented: ‘She’s been in Government for almost ten years and only now realises that we have massive debts? I’m guessing that she’s spending her evenings with someone who thinks a good night in is an illegally streamed boxset, a kebab and a study session with flash cards’.
Appearing in an oversized Uni Hoodie and beanie, Mrs May asked the Press to respect her privacy – and did anyone know where she could get discounted wine boxes and how to make microwave lasagne? A spokeswoman said: ‘We’ve decided to stop screwing the students…all but one’.