The Truth about Goats
While many question President Trump’s safety argument that teachers should carry guns, no one can doubt the positive impact it can have on league table, punctuality and the quantity of apples offered up to staff. Even the expected decline in retention has been offset by a rise in the sale of small coffins and Peppa Pig-themed wreaths.
One tooled-up teacher commented: ‘At the start of a lesson, I’ll just place my revolver on top of my desk or draw a bullseye on a specific student’s forehead. You see, it’s all about managing the classroom dynamic, differentiating between learners – plus the implied threat that I could shoot out your frontal lobe, the moment you drop your pen’.
Lesson plans and schemes of work are now expected to reference the calibre of student and bullet used. Armed teachers attest to a rise in SATs, significantly quieter Parents’ evenings and much more productive discussions with management, when it comes to having a pay rise.
A standard multi-choice question will now be – ‘What is the average range of AK-47?’