The Truth about Goats
Tobias Kowalewski (37) has become riddled with self-doubt and curiosity, since he pointedly refused to examine the contents of his handkerchief, after one particularly aggressive evacuation. Not only was he faced with the regret of not knowing, but also the nagging paranoia that something unpleasant was still hanging off his nose – a dilemma that David Davis faces all the time.
Unfortunately for Mr. Kowalewski, at the time of the expulsion he was in plain view of several members of the public, so unable to have a ‘sneaky look’. For as we know, the shame of being caught looking into a handkerchief, is on par with endorsing Harvey Weinstein, trusting Michael Gove or falling up the stairs.
Said Tobias: ‘Often, for all that blowing, all you’re doing is shifting air and runny mucus. But this time I felt the impact of something substantial in my handkerchief. Like I’d loosened a lump of gristle or a baked bean. Obviously you’d think it was snot, but you never know? It could be fantastical; such as a winning Lottery ticket, a portal to Narnia or a workable plan for Brexit’.
Mr. Kowalewski has intentions to explore the handkerchief in the privacy of his own home, but admits that the moment is gone: ‘I was hoping for something magical, like a cure for cancer or a Dragon Ball. But quite frankly I’d settle for anything grisly – for instance, a popcorn kernel covered in gunk or the actual plan for Brexit’.