The Truth about Goats
Despite her promises to the contrary, the American singer and songwriter has continued with her murderous campaign against religious figures and penguin look-alikes. While others use Easter as a time to reflect, Miss Perry has used the time to assassinate priests, threaten Sikhs and punch the Dalai Lama.
Having already ‘offed’ one of two nuns she was locked in a property battle with, Miss Perry sworn vengeance on anyone of faith blocking her planning permission. She has instructed her 246 million followers on social media to begin a jihad against jihadists, an end to homeopathy and the inevitable crucifixion of Russell Brand.
For many, this seems a marked contrast to her image as a breezy popsicle and philanthropist, but others will attest to her hatred – confessed one Nun: ‘She said she kissed a girl and liked it. I explained that it was a mortal sin, even if she did taste of cherry chap-stick. At that moment Miss Perry lost control and started beating a Cardinal with a three-foot long candle holder. Ironically, he said it felt so wrong but also felt so right’.
At Lent it is often difficult to give up life’s little pleasures; like chocolate, voting for Brexit or causing a Nun to collapse. A spokeswoman for Miss Perry agreed: ‘Who hasn’t wanted to kill a Jehovah’s Witness or beat a Scientologist? And after all, didn’t Jesus die so that condos could be built on Golgotha?’