The Truth about Goats
At 82 years of age, the American singer-songwriter, has admitted that he is no longer able to offer the same levels of inappropriate romance and rock’n’roll grooming. Unicef estimates that 25 million child marriages have been prevented in the past decade, 90% of which are attributable to The Rolling Stones no longer touring.
Some rue the drop in marriages, as a sign that molesting rock stars are commitment-phobic. Said one under-age groupie: ‘If I’m to be taken advantage of, I would at least expect to be taken up the aisle or given a backstage pass…no double entendre intended’.
While Cheryl Tweedy/Cole/Fernandez-Versini nee Pokemon has tried her best to fill the gap left by Jerry Lee, she waited eight years to marry her 14 year old protégée, Liam Payne. Clearly following the advice set by Beyonce: ‘If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it…but probably best to wait until its 21’.
World leaders have vowed to end child marriage by 2030, provided they can get Woody Allen’s agreement. Meanwhile, as Jerry Lee’s Great Balls of Fire slowly extinguish, children can avoid marriage in more conventional ways, like being Taylor Swift.