The Truth about Goats
Scientists have discovered that mankind’s historical aversion to a facial pumelling by a haddock or trout, is nowhere near as unpleasant as Brexit negotiations or five minutes of Keith Lemon. If anything, a brief aquatic slap is a blessed relief from the day to day horrors of type 3 diabetes or having to reform the Spice Girls.
In a study involving 100 consenting adults and 3000 reluctant fish; participants were given the choice between 21st century living and being rigorously thwacked with a range of sea creatures. Ironically most chose the latter, claiming that nothing could hurt worse than the current rental market or another series of ‘Bromans’.
Commented one cancer patient, who was offered a fish-slap to put her troubles into context: ‘Initially there was a degree of shock over the wetness and general girth of the mullet used. My first thoughts were ‘What I have I let myself in for?’, ‘Can I cope?’ and ‘Who carries a wet fish with them?’. But once I realised I still had six months of chemo, the whole slap seemed to pale into insignificance. Admittedly there was a residual fishy pong but on balance I think the war in Syria is worse.’
Fish slapping is set become a welcome distraction for those struggling with illness or being Boris Johnson. That said, the jury is still out on whether most things are better than a ‘poke in the eye with a sharp stick’ but it might explain why Melania Trump usually wears dark glasses.