The Truth about Goats
The defence research facility has finally revealed that the sample of nerve agent supplied by Boris Johnson was, in fact, the remains of his tiffin. Disappointingly this will mean the UK having to backtrack on its accusations and that Boris may have eaten the remains of the Novichok.
A Porton Down spokeswoman said: ‘We ran a variety of rigorous tests on smeared napkin provided by the Foreign Secretary. And we can confirm its ‘breakfast in origin’. The marmalade was possibly from Selfridges, thick-cut – like Boris’.
The Foreign Secretary is alleged to have defended his initial claims: ‘I was told by a reliable source, that the sample came from Russia. My source? Completely reputable. He was a strapping lad, 7 foot 2 and riding a unicorn. Then, all of a sudden I was in my PJs and nanny was telling me I’d be late for prep. Oh, no wait, that may have been the cheese I had last night.’
Meanwhile Theresa Maybe/MaybeNot has the humiliating task of returning everyone’s diplomats and their Ferrero Rocher. Asked to comment validity of making spurious claims about WMD without due process or the burden of evidence, a spokesman for Tony Blair said: ‘Yeah, I think we’ll take a pass on that one, thanks’.