The Truth about Goats
Scientists have discovered that not every ‘moody f$cker’ is necessarily suffering from a medical disorder. In fact 38% of misbehaving parents, are using their babies as an excuse for a range of anti-social behaviour – such as, poor hygiene, harassing interns or voting for Brexit.
Doctors now believe that many alleged maladies would be cured by a quick power nap, followed by gin, followed by a gin-powered nap. Confessed one new mother: ‘At first I was panicked. I’m 32 – tired, irritable and suffering from a low sex drive. But then I remembered. I’m 32. And that’s par for the course.’
While depression is a serious and debilitating illness, there is a growing suspicion among friends of Paul Sealy (38) that he was not suffering from cracked nipples and the awkwardness of perineal irrigation. Paul has previously claimed that he was bed-ridden, yet in his vulnerable state had managed a round of golf and five hours of ‘Call of Duty’.
One Doctor warned: ‘Feeling that you have made a terrible error, is just a natural adjustment to parenthood. This feeling is temporary – and lasts for just forty to fifty years. Likewise, the signs of genuine depression are easy to spot; like hopelessness and self-loathing – although, you might just be Theresa May’.