The Truth about Goats
Petra Neysmith (35) has told friends that she can no longer suppress ‘the gaseous rage’ within her. Sadly, in a vain attempt to keep her marriage together, Petra has not only been living a lie, but has also been clenching her buns longer than Donald Trump’s tax attorney.
Bloated beyond human or Boris Johnson-like proportions, Petra’s bowel is ready to unleash the beast. She plans to release the foul miasma, as discreetly as she can, during the next time her husband’s car alarm goes off. Local emergency services are on standby, while neighbours have been advised to keep their pets indoors.
Petra confessed: ‘Over the years he’s seen through various deceits – that I put make-up on before he wakes, that I use a high waistband to conceal my tummy or that deep down I’m a little bit racist – particularly towards Canadians. But the farting was the last thing I wanted to reveal. I’m the wind beneath his wings, not his duvet’.
The fermenting in her stomach has reached crisis point, with the fart threatening to break all land-speed records. She said: ‘I’m going to be mortified when I discharge a huge unpleasant stink – now I know how David Davis feels’.