The Truth about Goats
Despite squandering tens of thousands of pounds on an elaborate poster campaign, a local school has struggled to come up with anything more inspiring than the image of a kid ‘burning stuff’. Not so much an advert for academic excellence, but rather a celebration of paleolithic pupils who have discovered the ‘secret of fire’ and how to lose their eyebrows.
Said one prospective parent: ‘Just because the child is wearing a lab coat in the photo, doesn’t make them seem any less backward. Gawping at a naked flame, doesn’t make you look like Prometheus, it makes you look like Wayne Rooney’.
Exciting phrases like ‘science academy’ and ‘strong and stable’, seem less inspiring when juxtaposed to the smiling face of a wannabee arsonist. The Head Teacher explained: ‘In a free-market we need to compete for pupils – which means lowering the bar to include anyone who can walk upright. If you thought fire was exciting for the pupils, imagine their delight when they encounter hieroglyphics in year 12.’
Typical science lessons will now involve pupils gathering around a black monolith, while gesticulating with a pig’s jaw bone. ‘Using a Bunsen says we are a dynamic teaching environment, with magnesium to burn. Our prospectus festooned with pictures of cutting edge science; such as hand-axes, ceramic containers and a pop picture of a wheel’.