The Truth about Goats
With five new leaders in the last fortnight, UKIP are well placed to offer advice on how to run a rigorous selection process, followed by a ‘bun fight’. Although poltically at odds, the Greens are hoping to learn something from UKIP’s internal elections; which involve a game of ring a ring o’ roses, a live fox hunt and wrestling in a vat of jelly, for the right to wield the ‘conch of independence and dumbf$ckery’.
UKIP set the standard in leadership elections by holding them weekly, in the saloon bar of the Duke of York – with an obligatory bare-knuckle fight in the car park. Previous holders include Lord Rothermere, Bill Sikes and anyone who can sing all 6 verses of ‘God Save the Queen’.
Caroline Lucas, the Green’s only MP, plans to set to step down as co-leader – leaving the way for any non-MP or tofu chef to step in. Of course, she has resigned the leadership once before and may return, but only if the party make use of the distress signal – a searchlight shaped like a bat choking on a lentil.
Explained one UKIP voter: ‘The process of selection is simple – every time the music stops, we pick a new candidate. They then have to have to pass an induction of nuanced role-play exercises about cultural sensitivity and race relations – conducted by Jim Davidson’.