The Truth about Goats
The Home Office is struggling to recruit graduate investigators, as white-collar crime pays substantially better and often leads to a Cabinet post. To incentivize applicants, undercover detectives are told they can have no-strings attached sex and children with partners they will never have to see again – just like being in the Cabinet.
Explained one who had completed the pilot scheme: ‘It was an intensive 12 weeks. By the end of the third week I become a hardened murder detective; with a drink problem, a Glaswegian accent and Geordie side-kick. By week seven I’d gone deep under-cover, with a cocaine addiction and an unsuspecting bride. By week eight I’d somehow become racist. By week eleven I was fabricating reports into football stadium tragedies and shredding anything with the word Orgreave in it.’
The government has set aside £350,000 for the new entry programme, but has to compete with the City of London; who has set aside £3.5bn in bonuses for anyone willing to sell sub-prime mortgages or rig the LIBOR. For those, with crippling student debt, the transition to investigator in 3 months is too long; as in half the time they could have been appointed and retired from the board of the Royal Bank of Scotland.
Said a Home Office spokeswoman: ‘Many graduates struggle to get a mortgage, but with our scheme you move in with your fake wife in a matter of days. Obviously some feel that wilfully misleading someone emotionally is entrapment – but what marriage isn’t?’