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McDonalds to replace straws with hypodermic needles


Bowing to environmental pressure and an increased demand for saturated fat, McDonalds will be allowing customers to inject, snort or smoke their ‘offal of choice’.  There are various options, with some plastic straws being replaced by a more pragmatic mechanism for fast food delivery, known as a ‘shovel’.

Explained one manager: ‘Our customers are looking for a speedier way to experience cardiovascular health problems.  Sadly, the plastic straw is painfully slow as a means for accessing type 2 diabetes.  While the hypodermic needle is swift, safe and can be shared by all the family’,

McDonald’s has recently come under criticism for its intensive farming of the Amazon: ‘We wanted something more dolphin-friendly, more green – like this dead cow for instance.  Rest assured we’ll solve this environmental crisis, quicker than as you can say ‘deforestation’.’

Some branches of McDonald’s will offer family-oriented feeding zones or ‘troughs’ as they are to be called.  Yet for most individuals it’s going to be about injecting processed junk as quickly as possible – a bit like a subscription to Netflix.

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