The Truth about Goats
The UK’s stiff upper lip is currently hidden behind 3 inches of cushion as we cower in terror and expectation over the World Cup. Never has a nation been so united in ‘sh$tting themselves’, not since Theresa May won the last election.
Naturally most are expecting an unmitigated disaster, followed by bitterness and recrimination – a bit like Brexit really. The nation’s only hope now rests with small, mismatched group, with only a basic grasp of collective responsibility and with no qualifications – but enough of Brexit, let’s talk about the football.
Explained one fan: ‘Being British means not just being scared about losing, but also about the fear of winning. The fear of experiencing unfettered joy for the first time. Of smiling, of hearing bird song, of not waking up with the aching guilt that we created James Corden’.
Most UK residents will using a variety of bedding and household appliances to avoid looking directly at the TV screen, but for those living in Scotland there will be short documentary about Highland dancing. In the unlikely event of a victory, citizens are advised not to get too happy, as Jeremy Hunt is still Foreign Secretary.