The Truth about Goats
In a series of elaborate dares, President Trump has not only insisted that the Prime Minister sues the EU, but that she also does a strip-tease for whole twenty seconds and swallows a goldfish. Not wanting to lose face, Mrs May has agreed eat dog food, do 100 push-ups and make an obscene phone call to Michel Barnier.
When she pointed out that she had no children, Trump became despondent, claiming that if Mrs May wanted to join his ‘cool gang’ she should smell the feet of everyone in the room. Mr. Trump made it clear that she needed to drink a whole keg of beer before she could wear one of the NATO-themed togas he had had made.
Desperate to appease her new boyfriend, the Prime Minister said she would agree to smoke a cigarette and ‘go to third base’, but only if it led to a preferential trade agreement. Mrs May further agreed for Mr. Trump draw genitals on her face with permanent marker – although which of the Cabinet it resembled most, she would not say.
Friends of Mrs May expressed concern that she would jump off a cliff if he told her, but the electorate were told not to get their hopes up. As her pièce de résistance Mrs May, on request, completed the ‘Condom Challenge‘ – whereby she forced a condom into a nostril, snorting it back into her throat and back out her mouth; which she boasted was ‘easier than Brexit’.