The Truth about Goats
As wildfires continue to break out in Brexit negotiations, the British public have turned to the weather as their main source of verbal entropy. Reaching for the ‘Thesaurus of Boredom’, citizens are desperately searching for new and varied ways to describe the same sweaty sensation.
Water-cooler chats have now descended into an actual discussion of cool water. Complained one gardener: ‘I can tolerate a hosepipe ban, if it’s accompanied by a ban on talking about hosepipes’.
However its not all bad news, as those with heat stroke will now have an anecdote that will significantly outlast their peeling. Marriages that have barely functioned for years, on a series of audible grunts and the shared fear of loneliness, have been rejuvenated with witty repartee; including such nuggets as ‘isn’t it hot?’, ‘it’s much cooler in the shade’ and the classic ‘have you watered the geraniums?’
The NHS has warned sunbathers to avoid prolonged exposure to conversations about the strength of their sun lotion and who ate all the crushed ice? A doctor explained: ‘Patients are coming in hot, red-faced and angry – but nobody wants to hear what they have to say. But that’s Gammon for you’.