The Truth about Goats
Lawyers working on the behalf of Germanic vowel alternation have filed a class action against ‘cheap and disrespectful’ ideograms. Too often complicated exchanges are being reduced down to a basic sequence of winking face, heavy black heart and Theresa May burning Windrush documentation.
A spokesman for Umlauts explained: ‘My client has been squiggling over the International Phonetic Alphabet for over a thousand years. Quite frankly it’s insulting to see some gurning chancer telling us how to feel – when James Corden will do that for free’.
Emojis are a simple extension of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs – Physiological needs (pile of poop), Belongingness (the OK hand sign) and Self-actualization (smiley face x2). While the Umlaut has provided a much more nuanced depiction of emotions:
Ɔː = I’ve had my ear pierced twice
ü = It looks like I’m smiling but I’ve just had a stroke
ö = Someone has shown me the Human Centipede
There are concerns that this case could lead to similar legal actions; with Hieroglyphs suing the Department of Transport for copyright and Inca ‘Talking Knots’ suing Brexit negotiators. Said the spokesman: ‘If you scrape the dots off of Über, it ceases to mean exceptional – it just means zero-hour contracts and an absence of worker’s rights’. Emoji’s lawyer responded with: ‘Sad face’.