The Truth about Goats
Using a complicated algorithm involving jelly beans and chicken entrails, the Department for Education has declared that there are 10,000 more teachers than in 2010 – provided you classified marker pens as ‘teachers’. Although Unions and the naked eye would suggest a teaching shortage, the Government insisted that out of a population of 66m, 70m were teachers.
A spokeswoman explained, using a Venn Diagram and feather boa: ‘You can calculate the number of Maths teachers by thinking of number, times that by the square root of cheese, then multiply that by the squirrel population, add 6 and subtract daylight saving’s time. That leaves you with a nice round number of ‘plenty-much’, which is more than enough.’
‘Look at it another way – if you take 52 from 100, that leaves you with 48 that you can ignore, because their vote didn’t count. Or if I have seven oranges in this hand and four in another, how do you like them apples?’
‘Why are you looking at me like that? This doesn’t need to be complicated, not if we all give 110%. Pay attention at the back! Look, put simply, if you take teacher’s pay in the 1970s and divide by two, you have…um…actually that’s their current rate of pay’.