The Truth about Goats
In a short paper on the ramifications of a no deal scenario, the UK Government admitted it would all depend on ‘what the cockroaches wanted to do’. Rats droppings would be adopted as an interim currency until the pound stabilizes, while refuse collection centres would replace Marks and Spencer Food.
A spokeswoman said: ‘The rat is a versatile, renewable resource, which encapsulates the merits of a low-wage, de-regulated gig-economy. Your average rat can survive on 7 grams of food a day, while still holding down jobs at both Sports Direct and an Amazon warehouse. And unlike most workers, the rat can use its tail for balance and will do anything for cheese.’
Rats can create affordable low-rent properties out of shredded paper and will happily make do with a budget smart-phone. In times of austerity the rat is one of our few growth industries and for those that cannot afford a child of their own, they make the perfect surrogate.
A helpful guide to schools, in association with Jamie Oliver, explained the healthy options at meal time: ‘You can have sautéed rat, pan-fried rat, glazed rat, smoked rat, pickled rat, pureed rat, fondue rat, roasted rat, barbecued rat, confit of rat, boiled rat, rat stuffed with rat and rat with rat foam on the side. Ultimately, the public don’t need to worry about rats leaving the sinking ship, as they will have all been eaten by then’.