The Truth about Goats
Scientists have calculated that the average human being will see 1,000 adverts per day for Apple’s latest shiny bauble; but experience the same levels of irritation as if they were seeing James Cordon tap-dance with a poodle. So profound is the annoyance, that many consumers have resorted to hurling their own excrement at the computer screen – which is, ironically, also how Donald Trump compiles his twitter feed.
So constant are the pop-ups, that tech advisors have suggested taking the extreme measure of gouging out your eyes with an old Android phone. One expert recommended: ‘Take your new iPhone and smash it into bits with a brick. Although this may invalidate any insurance – in the long run you’ll be happier’.
There is nothing subtle about these non-stop adverts, which are about as subliminal as having Nigel Farage shout in your face about the spiralling cost of craft beer. The average iPhone advert is only slightly less intrusive than a rectal examination or a story by Isabel Oakeshott.
To distract from the never-ending promotion of this irksome piece of technology, consumers should try focusing on something equally as expensive, indulgent and prone to crashing – like Brexit.