The Truth about Goats
The Prime Minister has announced that everyone in the UK is now a millionaire, with their own unicorn and that any perception that everything is still ‘sh$t’ is simply the result of eating hallucinogenic mushrooms. Any sightings of food banks are purely coincidental and the 268% increase in rough sleepers is caused by ‘glamping for tramps’.
Mrs May insisted that we have never had it so good; which after a decade of cutbacks, is definitely true for anyone under the age of ten. She further explained that lower corporation tax and bank bailouts had benefitted everyone – everyone that is with shares in Amazon, RBS or a career in the Serious Fraud Squad.
Now that everything is fine, jobseekers can go back to their holiday villas, spa breaks and table for two at Claridge’s. As for those struggling to hold down three low-paid jobs – just get your butler to do it.
Staring directly into the camera, while swinging a pocket watch back and forward, Mrs May said that we could expect a ‘free pen’ in the post. All that the UK public needed to do was email her their sort code, pin number and have a quick drink with her good friend Bill Cosby.