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The Truth about Goats

50ft Wicker Man listed on Etsy

Alongside knitted symbols of paganism and wrought iron sex toys, one careful artisan has listed a huge man-shaped sculpture of woven twigs – with minor scorch marks around the base.  For those who like their live sacrifices with a touch of hipster chic, this Etsy sale manages to say Celtic fertility rites, but with a touch of home-brew.

The seller, Lord Summerisle, boasts that this handmade gift comes with delicate cross-stitching and fitted livestock.  It has room for one adult or several unwanted children; and is suitable for harvest festivals or stag dos.

The listing reads: ‘A once in a lifetime fire-sale. Don’t leave your apple crops to chance.  Our Wicker Man will provide you with financial security, now that your EU subsidy is coming to an end.  Would suit a virgin, Scottish detective or ardent Brexiteer’.

Lord Summerisle is also offering a line of cosplay outfits, edible phallus and one burnt policeman’s hat.  A spokeswoman for Etsy admitted: ‘It’s an unusual listing.  You can’t fault the craftsmanship, but if you want to sacrifice virgins – surely a holiday to Magaluf is cheaper?’


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This entry was posted on November 26, 2018 by in International Business and tagged , , , , .

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