The Truth about Goats
Alongside knitted symbols of paganism and wrought iron sex toys, one careful artisan has listed a huge man-shaped sculpture of woven twigs – with minor scorch marks around the base. For those who like their live sacrifices with a touch of hipster chic, this Etsy sale manages to say Celtic fertility rites, but with a touch of home-brew.
The seller, Lord Summerisle, boasts that this handmade gift comes with delicate cross-stitching and fitted livestock. It has room for one adult or several unwanted children; and is suitable for harvest festivals or stag dos.
The listing reads: ‘A once in a lifetime fire-sale. Don’t leave your apple crops to chance. Our Wicker Man will provide you with financial security, now that your EU subsidy is coming to an end. Would suit a virgin, Scottish detective or ardent Brexiteer’.
Lord Summerisle is also offering a line of cosplay outfits, edible phallus and one burnt policeman’s hat. A spokeswoman for Etsy admitted: ‘It’s an unusual listing. You can’t fault the craftsmanship, but if you want to sacrifice virgins – surely a holiday to Magaluf is cheaper?’