The Truth about Goats
Scientists have discovered that repressed flatulence gives rise to your inner demons and can result in disturbing images; such as ghosts, monsters or Theresa May running in a field of wheat. By holding in the ‘buttock vapours’ you may inadvertently release a foul demon upon your psyche – or as clinical psychologists call it ‘a touch of the Michael Goves’.
Explained a doctor: ‘What we call nightmares, are simply farts congregating in your frontal lobe. If you try to hold too many in, then you will succumb to hallucinations of torture and torment – the equivalent of an entire song by James Corden’.
Being pursued by a killer clown during a feverish sleep, is often the result of too much macaroni and cheese the day before. Anyone experiencing particularly vivid night terrors is advised to seek medical help and lay off the pickled eggs for a while.
Said one patient: ‘I have one particular reoccurring nightmare. I’m in some sort of customs union which is spiralling out of control, but in order to escape I have set fire to my own head. Then, all of a sudden, I’m hurtling towards a cliff edge – being pursued by Jacob Rees Mogg, dressed as his own Nanny. And then I’m falling, falling – just like the stock market – and then, then I wake up…and remember I’m the new Brexit Secretary’.