The Truth about Goats
Adrenaline junky and Semtex enthusiast, Theresa May, has decided to liven up N.I. by altering the Good Friday Agreement and making fun of ‘the Pope’s pointy hat’. Not content with making Brexit an extreme sport, the Prime Minister wants to shake up Irish relations by replacing Guinness with Budweiser and turning the Blarney Stone into ashfelt.
Worryingly it means returning to an age where people fear sectarian violence more than a weak tea, a ‘nasty draft’ and ten minutes with Van Morrison. In order to achieve her Brexit of Dreams, Mrs May needs to remove the question of an Irish backstop by replacing it with something equally as solid – Eamonn Holmes and twelve thousand tonnes of hexagonal rock.
A Downing Street spokeswoman explained: ‘Northern Ireland has been at peace now for all of five minutes – which is more than enough. Quite frankly the people of Northern Ireland are bored rigid by the sight of unexploded cars and having their kneecaps intact’.
‘Remember the good old days when Sinn Fein were more concerned with terrorism not tourism? Remember pulling Norman Tebbit out of the rubble of the Grand hotel – who didn’t have a little chuckle? Help Mrs May to deliver her Brexit and to give a much needed boost to the UK’s balaclava industry’.